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Saturday, July 11, 2015

Grateful for a tantrum

Balance, and good order.

For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints." 1 Corinthians 14:33 (KJV) 

Neither author nor affirm crazy.
Pull series and sequence together where neither exists.
Make beauty. Make peace.

Thursday was a mess. Without warning, my day deteriorated into real crap, a mass of ugly words and hot tears. Despite that, I profess deep gratitude for lessons of restraint I have learned, mitigating what I could have said or the way I might have reacted. Though Thursday was bad, it could have been worse. Bless God, I stopped talking. I listened intently rather than waiting to respond. I took myself and my issues OUT of the equation in order to pay attention to what was happening rather than the way I felt about it. It could have been worse, but it was not. Moreover, thank God for the voices of people I love, encouraging me and reminding me that no matter how I felt, it was all going to be okay. And, at sunset, as raindrops fell, a friend from heaven sent faeries in the form of fireflies. Even gone, you are always right on time. Thank You, Lord, for multiple reminders that all shall be well as taught by Julian of Norwich...even on hard days. 

By comparison, this next morning dawn devoid of humidity, I walked the dog amidst cool breezes, weeded the front and back lawns whilst listening to Gregorian chants, and all indeed was well. Weeping (and all other manner of foolishness) may endure for the night, but Joy comes in the morning…sometimes a tantrum is just the reminder we need to appreciate Peace.

I choose Peace. Quiet. Deep joy, and Grace washing over me like waves crashing as the tide rolls in. We need crashing waves. We need thunderstorms and bad moods, and things falling out of order to achieve and appreciate balance. Had we never fallen down, getting up and staying up, at least for a little while, would feel less…good.

Once again I am reminded that our lessons await our readiness; that was the value of my tantrum. What I needed to learn experientially, because everyone around me saw it and tried in vain to help me out, was right in front of me all along. However, until I accepted the challenge, surrendering my will in order to listen without resistance or complaint, and then to receive and apply my lesson, its proximity had no value. It is only time when its time.
Just today I read the words of noted author and coach Caroline Adams…

Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path... exactly where you are meant to be right now... And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love.

Even as He knitted me together before I drew my first breath, He knew that day and that tantrum would come. Why? Because not only is His Grace sufficient, His power is perfected in our weakness-that is where He does His best work in me. Armed with that bit of Grace and understanding, I celebrate my human frailty, my foolish anger and fear, and yet another time I intended to, but didn’t quite get it right. Again. 

My tantrums keep me humble, and yet I aspire to good order. And that is why I so appreciated calm following my storm. Baby steps. Walking the dog. Weeding my garden. Drawing order from chaos, establishing good order. Neither authoring nor affirming crazy. Pulling together series and sequence where neither quite exists. Making beauty. Making peace.

I am grateful for my tantrum in the way it galvanized my tribe; shouts across town and across time zones to confirm that all was well; promises that the cavalry could and would ride in if necessary-my people do not play, bless God. And, in an extraordinary moment that reminds me again that each of us matter to one another and to God, my girlfriend shows up with hugs, and a card, and wine.

Even a tantrum can bring you closer to God, and for anything that does that AND returns me to the direction of good order, I say thank you. Selah. Amen.

OneWord 2015

OneWord 2015

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