Unwavering? Unwavering faith? My faith wavers all the time, and that doesn’t mean that it’s not good enough.
me, self-talking off yet another ledge
Among my favorite exchanges in “The Color Purple” are those between characters Celie and Shug Avery. According to Shug, “Miss Celie’s Blues” is something Celie “scratched out of” her head. I get that. Artists need midwives. My sisterfriends routinely birth things in me that I could never manifest alone. Creation requires collaboration, unless God is doing it. He is God all by Himself.
I am grateful, y’all, and I pray you will be too. Regularly. Habitually. Talking with my Gayle the other day, “she scratched this out of my head when I was ailing.” She does that. We’re in similar places for different reasons. Struggling. Life has kicked me and those I love, battered us, routinely grinding us into dust. I tried enduring it in Grace. I tried remaining faithful, humble and patient, Lord knows I tried. I have had enough. I’m DONE. I’m OUT.
I believe, I pray, that DONE represents a new, deeper, more raw but more intimate level of faith. I am either too stubborn, too well indoctrinated, or too scared to do anything but believe. I am DONE with what used to work because it doesn’t anymore. Lord, help me. #3WordPrayers
Right now, I confess that this wavering faith, my current rhythm, these pitiful, often embittered prayers are no longer enough. This is not working. It doesn’t bring me joy, and I don’t want to be here anymore. While I am asking God to change my heart, I understand that I should not ask Him to change my circumstances just yet. (No, I have not lost my mind.)