Seems everyone has a pair in their friend circle, married couple, BFFs, siblings, who have the kind of dynamic relationships where either everything is rosy, or they’re at each other’s throats. Those are NOT my relationships. I appreciate an easy flow and rhythm, particularly as I age. I strive to be the river circling gently around and over the stones; I am averse to drama. Unfortunately, that is not my faith story.
I am grateful to have developed what I describe as a frank, honest relationship with Christ and my faith. I’ve stopped being polite. I confess when I am angry (He Always Knows). I try at all times to be clear. I realize that in the Grand Scheme of things an Omnipotent God does not direct the Universe based upon even a single whim or mood of mine; His is an Eternal Perspective. He Loves me and knows, Wise Creator, that I’ll get where He has designed me to be positioned in my own right time (His) AND I do not have to like it. God and me…we’re on the OUTS again.
|weary and afraid, I’m with Job. |
And with Jacob. And with You. #FixItJesus.
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I do not blaspheme…please stay with me. I am grateful for Divine expansion of my faith albeit at great personal expense. I am losing my ego and my desire for control. I am surrendering, and like all inevitabilities, it is not easy to go gently.
I struggle with trust. Not because I do not like to trust, but moreso because I believe myself to be relatively self-sufficient. I feel little need to be catered to, because usually, I got it covered (I resisted the urge to write, under control. I am trying…). I am learning to accept assistance. I am learning to receive compliments. I am learning to relinquish the reigns. But there is something new. I refuse to give up.
Yesterday’s sermon was the oxygen my fire needed to keep from flickering out. When the disciples became afraid in the boat (Mark 6:45-50) there is a voice clearly speaking, “Take courage…Do not be afraid.” My pastor paraphrased it this way, “you will not fail.” So, while we’re on the Outs, I’m not throwing in the towel.
It’s time for some Ol’skool, Job-type faith. At the worst possible time in his life, Job declared,
Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him;
OK, Job, I’m in. I get it. My BFF and I were considering the deep bonds that exist among some families. They can be in the middle of a “somebody call de Law” argument with someone they love, but LET some outside try to get in the middle of that. “Naw, homie, thas family.” They will turn their backs on the fight they’re in to defend the very person they just threatened...don’t care. That’s family, and they never give up on each other. I get that. It is as clear to me as gravity and blue skies and warm biscuits on a Hallelujah Sunday morning. So, Lord, while I’m pouting, while I’m struggling impatiently to really get the lesson (at least in part so I don’t have to learn it again), I know that You Will Not Fail me. I will NOT FAIL when I put my trust in You. So, while we’re on the Outs, I’m not throwing in the towel.
I am stubborn like Jacob. You know, Jacob that fought all night with the Angel?
So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
So Lord, I surrender. I am throwing in the towel. You are sovereign, and I cannot fight anymore. I trust You and I trust Your Word, and though I am weary and afraid, I’m hanging with Job. And with Jacob. And with You. Even on the Outs, I’m begging, #FixItJesus.