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Monday, May 27, 2013

Trust in the God Who always knows… or, I keep forgetting I am broken

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding;
Proverbs 3:5 (KJ21)

(written with love and profound gratitude to the Divine Gifts who are my Gayle, my BFF, my buddy, and she whose heart “bleeds for the these beaten down souls.” I also have to thank the sisterhood of GSDers, without whom I could not have learned to know myself, or my Father in Heaven, so well.)

As the weekend neared its end, I approached the point of a breakdown. This girl is weary, worn, and sad. Because I frequently forget that I am broken, I find myself humbled into painful submission as my shoulders sag under the weight of burdens I should never have carried any further than the Throne.  I find myself humbled to the point of painful submission when once again I take on more than any fool should reasonably attempt, when I’ve cast myself in the role of martyr and nobody cares because martyr is not my name. I frequently forget that I am broken.  Thankfully, when I remember little else, I remember to trust in the God that always knows.

I am thankful for my recent return to prayer on my knees. In humbling myself, I find my place. In those moments, I remember that I am broken AND dependent upon the God that always knows. I remember to trust in the God that always knows precisely because He is the God that always knows. I frequently forget that I am broken, but never forget Who Knows My Name.

By Thursday, I was primed for Divine Intervention, remembering if only intermittently to trust in the God that always knows. It was going to be okay because although my BFF was heading north on I-95 for the weekend to celebrate mylestones, my Gayle was making her way north on I-95 from just due south.  God knew how urgently I needed a blessing right then because one of my writing sisters had already put her heart and her hands to an envelope delivered to my desperate and weary heart just in time to remind me to “press on, friend.” (Trust me, I needed that reminder). 

I thank God that the Holy Spirit abides with me, in spite of me, positioning me, well knowing the places where my empty spirit and my broken cup might be filled so that while I will never be unbroken, my cup never runs dry. I thank God that even when there is too much of me and not enough of Him I trust in the God that always knows, because that is all I ever know. You see, even though I frequently forget that I am broken, when I fall wearily to my knees I hear my father’s voice, in thanksgiving. He used to say, “Lord, when life knocks me to my knees I am grateful. I should’ve been there anyway.”

I do not enjoy the hard times. I wish there weren’t so many difficult lessons. But when I am down, my Gayle says “you used to be my example of Faith. Now you are my example of Faith and Grace,” and I can’t give up. When I need to cry and run and hide, my buddy sends a missive saying,

Even when you are quieter than usual.
Even when you are more plagued that usual.
Even when you are weak.
Even when you are reflecting and rising
…Your ability to put one foot in
front of the other has inspired many…

and I can’t give up. I’ll never be unbroken, but I’ll also never entirely forget to trust in The One That Always Knows. Who has Always Known. Who knew me before I knew to know, and Who was at the beginning and Has Written the End.

So, for those who know they are broken, and for those of you who do not know your brokenness yet but will soon suffer the shattering blow that brings you to your right place with God, I am giving to you as was given to me, in the form of a song.  She posted in so I could find it but only when I was ready, only when I could understand that to receive is to give and give in good kind. 

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