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Sunday, November 4, 2012

My capacity conundrum (I think I can do it all)

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. 
Psalms 55:22 (NIV) 

I've been broken again. I'm neither stubborn nor masochistic, really. It's just that I've got little engine that could-it is…I think I can. I push when I should rest. I move when I should be still. I offer because I can. I have a capacity conundrum.

When God blesses you with ability, there is a breaking point at which you should surrender, but usually don't. It's not hubris, or at least I think it isn't. (It probably is). We just need to learn to lean on God. From the beginning. Not when we're weary, or when we're nearly out of gas. It always comes back to surrender.
Mom's To Do List…
Rest and pray. 
Get some rest and thank God. 

My capacity conundrum usually means I don't rest when I should. It often means I don't let others help, even when they want to. (sometimes I just don't know how to ask). My capacity conundrum may be pushing people away for reasons I don't intend. My capacity conundrum is partially fueled by foolish pride (ouch, I felt that). My Gayle and my mother validated my capacity conundrum this week, as we were managing our way through Frankenstorm. They both said they were waiting for my migraine (ouch, I felt that too). That means not only that the people who know and love me best not only know the point at which I've done too much, they even know what failure usually looks like. I've got to do better. 

Mommy came as close to paraphrasing Psalms 55 as possible when she berated me, in love, this morning.

You need to just rest and pray. Delegate some duties to your off-spring and see that they carry them out. No man is an island. You can't do it all. It's easier when the load is shared. You're physically and emotionally tired. Get some rest and thank God that a lot is behind you rather than in front. Be sweet and I love you . Mom

I don't want to break like this anymore. I've made it my daily habit to surrender, but I clearly that's not enough. I have a capacity conundrum. Before I can deal with it, I have to call it by its name. Lord, I surrender. I cannot do it all, and when I try, I fail miserably. When I don't immediately fail, I put my capacity before your Grace and get things all mixed up. I don't like it either way. I'm setting aside capacity in search of sweet peace. Capability is for the birds, or at least it's not for me. I'm not quite sure how I'll give up all I've learned, but I'm willing to try. I may have a capacity conundrum, but I have a God who is bigger, so take that. I'm casting it all on Him, because He said I could, and that's enough. A God expecting to claim my problems? That's good.
On Sundays, I fellowship with Jann, Salina, and the crew at Spiritual Sundays

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