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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I don’t know why it made me cry…

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live
Deuteronomy 30:19 (NIV)

Sunday, in worship on Father’s Day, the choir sang, “Let the church say “Amen.” Such a simple song; one I’ve heard and loved for years.  For whatever reason, and it’s been a tough weekend for me leading up to Father’s Day, I knew I couldn’t just sit there…I needed to cry. 

My father’s been gone more than 14 years.  I am certain I grieved well, but sometimes it feels like it happened only yesterday.  I didn’t want to spoil my husband’s day, and I didn’t want to impose my sadness upon my children, but quietly, softly, even again as I type this, I began to cry. 
I give myself permission to be sad.  Sad things should make you sad; hurt is a natural expression of loss; sometimes it still hurts.  I cry for conversations we’ll never have.  I cry for things that make me smile that I know he would enjoy. 

Sunday was not a sad day, Thank God.  We came home to enjoy a breakfast created and handcrafted by my sweet girl (I will ask if I can post her recipe later).  We prepared our home (and our yard) to receive family for a Father’s Day cookout that has become tradition.  I relished the embrace of my father-in-law.  It was a good day, one that honored my daddy in the best possible way.

I may always experience happy sadness when it comes to my dad, but that’s okay.  I choose to see it as always wanting more of a wonderful thing that sadly, you know you can never have. I will laugh at and through my tear to acknowledge the marvelous blessing he was in my life.  My memories are joyous, and I will wrap myself in them even at the cost of some tears.  The old Czech proverb says “Joy and sorrow sleep in the same bed.” If that is the price of wonderful memories, I am prepared to pay.

Today is another day, another chance to make memories.  There is a time for sadness, but also a time for joy.  I choose joy. Choosing is among my most wonderful reminders that God is good.

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